Where Things Are

My husband told me to write here more because we’re paying for it and if we’re going to pay for it we should use it. And he’s not wrong. But the truth is I set this site up when I felt like I had something important to say and I’m just not sure that’s true anymore. Mostly because this year has kicked my ass. 

Here’s what I’m learning. Our most archaic, base level false understandings of ourselves can be the hardest to disentangle from and will be the first ones to resurface in times of stress or darkness. Their persistence doesn’t make them true, no matter what false lenses we’re seeing through. We have to fight them. 

In the course of the last year I have regressed to some of my most emotionally risky, spiritually dangerous thought patterns and its wreaked havoc on me. The trippiest part for me has been the fact that I have spent ten years building up the arsenal to combat these things, these beliefs and thoughts. And when pressed I didn’t lean into them, I couldn’t lean into them.

Mental and spiritual health is a journey, one that requires that we are rigorously honest with the people around us and with ourselves. One that demands that whatever shame and embarrassment we feel at having laid down in front of life as it steamrolls us, we still choose honesty. So this is me, choosing honesty. I’ve let life steam roll over me, I bent my neck to it time and time again and I wasn’t honest about where my heart was for the fear of being perceived as weak, as less than. And the first step in fighting back is being honest. I don’t know what else I might have to say as I fight my way back, but I know that holding what I’ve had to say in is not just part of the problem, it’s a root of at least one of them. 

God knows where I’m at and he is not ashamed of me. I’m not ashamed of me either.