Darling
This is from about a week ago:
We didn't want this baby. We have an 11 month old and we weren't ready for another one. I'm terrible at taking my pill and realized I was pregnant right away. We freaked out for a good 2 days. Then we took some deep breaths, thanked God we hadn't thrown away the infant car seat, and started making plans. Hubs had been referring to this pregnancy as a "she" from the go, I called her Clementine and teased him that's what I would name her. We talked about moving, made plans to visit his family before the new baby was born (cross country travel with two kids under 2, no thanks), and we bought our son a "big brother" tshirt. At 6 weeks, after a visit to the park with my son, I started to feel sick, then cramping, and after two hours of telling my husband that we would go to the doctor in a little while, my shoulder started to hurt. With Gabe I got the "watch for shoulder pain" warning with every doctors visit. We got to the ER at 5:30, I got into surgery at 8:30, out at 11, and admitted to the hospital at midnight.
It's been a week and a few days.
I feel fine. I feel guilty for feeling fine. I'm relieved we're not going to have 2 kids under 2, or have to move. I feel like that relief is why my body did this. I feel like I'm handling things well. I started crying in the party store yesterday, while shopping for supplies for Gabe's birthday, I came across a display of princess birthday products. A friend let me hold her 3 week old baby today and I honestly thought I was going to pass out, but couldn't stop smiling. This baby was barely a part of our lives. We weren't desperate for a child or even trying. But it's still sad. Although, I'm young, I have every chance of having another healthy pregnancy and baby, and this is my only lost pregnancy, so I am more fortunate than a lot of the women. But I wanted my son to wear his "big brother" shirt. But I wasn't ready for another baby. But I have dreams of a little girl with curls like mine and my husbands smile. But we're just now regaining some freedom after having our first. But but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but
I don't really have a question. I don't know why I'm posting. Other than that I hate to talk it out to people because I am intensely private about my emotions, and don't like to cry in front of other people because I don't like feel out of control in front of people. And so sitting here behind my computer screen, sobbing, I can cry, but be in control. I can vent without feeling like the people in my every day life will look at me with that really well meaning but incredibly irritating "aw, you poor thing" look. Because as well meaning as it is, that look doesn't help. I have to move on, I have to keep my life going, and I can't do that if every time I turn around someone is offering me the opportunity to fall apart.
The end.
We didn't want this baby. We have an 11 month old and we weren't ready for another one. I'm terrible at taking my pill and realized I was pregnant right away. We freaked out for a good 2 days. Then we took some deep breaths, thanked God we hadn't thrown away the infant car seat, and started making plans. Hubs had been referring to this pregnancy as a "she" from the go, I called her Clementine and teased him that's what I would name her. We talked about moving, made plans to visit his family before the new baby was born (cross country travel with two kids under 2, no thanks), and we bought our son a "big brother" tshirt. At 6 weeks, after a visit to the park with my son, I started to feel sick, then cramping, and after two hours of telling my husband that we would go to the doctor in a little while, my shoulder started to hurt. With Gabe I got the "watch for shoulder pain" warning with every doctors visit. We got to the ER at 5:30, I got into surgery at 8:30, out at 11, and admitted to the hospital at midnight.
It's been a week and a few days.
I feel fine. I feel guilty for feeling fine. I'm relieved we're not going to have 2 kids under 2, or have to move. I feel like that relief is why my body did this. I feel like I'm handling things well. I started crying in the party store yesterday, while shopping for supplies for Gabe's birthday, I came across a display of princess birthday products. A friend let me hold her 3 week old baby today and I honestly thought I was going to pass out, but couldn't stop smiling. This baby was barely a part of our lives. We weren't desperate for a child or even trying. But it's still sad. Although, I'm young, I have every chance of having another healthy pregnancy and baby, and this is my only lost pregnancy, so I am more fortunate than a lot of the women. But I wanted my son to wear his "big brother" shirt. But I wasn't ready for another baby. But I have dreams of a little girl with curls like mine and my husbands smile. But we're just now regaining some freedom after having our first. But but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but
I don't really have a question. I don't know why I'm posting. Other than that I hate to talk it out to people because I am intensely private about my emotions, and don't like to cry in front of other people because I don't like feel out of control in front of people. And so sitting here behind my computer screen, sobbing, I can cry, but be in control. I can vent without feeling like the people in my every day life will look at me with that really well meaning but incredibly irritating "aw, you poor thing" look. Because as well meaning as it is, that look doesn't help. I have to move on, I have to keep my life going, and I can't do that if every time I turn around someone is offering me the opportunity to fall apart.
The end.